Buddies
by SaraiDaDee
Summary: Ever wondered what it would be like if Harry Potter and Voldemort became friends? This tells the strange adventures of the buddies which includes crimes, trouble, and pranks among other things...
1. Becoming Buddies

**Author's Note: Yeah, this is my first fanfiction.. on fanfiction. net lol. But anyway, I don't own any of the characters from Harry Potter (J.K. Rowling has that honor). And this is just meant for humor. **

Voldemort and Harry Potter decide to become buddies.

This starts just before the Sixth Year, during summer.

**Buddies**

**Becoming Buddies**

Harry Potter was stunned. Absolutely shocked. What do you say when Voldemort asks for a truce? He thought he was dreaming, but no. Voldemort was still waiting for an answer, staring creepily at Harry in the alley where he had jumped Harry in hopes of ending this whole war going on between them.

"Er...," was all Harry could say. He still had his wand brandished in belief that Voldemort was going to try the killing curse any second now. "Er..."

"Harry Potter," Voldemort hissed, "We could be great together..." It sounded a lot like what he had said in Harry's first year in front of the Mirror. "We could..." Voldemort suddenly slacked, gathering his breath in defeat. Then, in a voice unlike what Voldemort had used before, he said, "Dude, seriously. Aren't you tired of me killing off everyone you care about?" It was a deep voice, bored, and it dissipated any type of evil intelligence his previous high pitched voice held. It startled Harry even more.

"Er... why would I become.. _buddies_ with _you_," Harry finally asked eerily.

"Uh," Voldemort said slowly, and then he pulled out a chocolate frog from his robe. "Candy?"

Harry hesitated, but then the pull of chocolate was far too strong for him. "Okay," he responded with a shrug, and took the chocolate frog from Voldemort. It tasted like sin. Or maybe that was just psychological. There was an awkward hesitation in which Harry sat down on the sidewalk, followed by Voldemort.

"So, uh... no hard feelings about Sirius, right," Voldemort asked slowly.

Harry thought for a moment, and was about to yell at him, but then Voldemort handed over another chocolate frog. "Nah, man," Harry responded in compliance.

"And, uh... no hard feelings about Cedric, too, right," Voldemort asked.

"No, seriously, he was a bit of a jerk anyway... besides, I heard he became a vampire," Harry stated.

"Huh, sweet," Voldemort replied, slowly easing his way into this buddy situation. "And... no hard feelings about.."

"I swear to God if you mention my parents," Harry interrupted violently. There was a pause.

"Okay, we'll ease into that later," Voldemort stated slowly.

Harry felt a bit bad, but he let it go. "So... you know eventually one of us is going to kill the other, right," Harry asked Voldemort. He assumed this would be the point Voldemort would turn on him. But Harry always had the perfect way to kill Voldemort when necessary. Just tackle any wand he has out of the way and bash his head in with a heavy object. But he also was planning on getting a gun soon, figuring no wand could stop a bullet. Only Neo could.

"Pff, man, like _that's_ important," Voldemort scoffed. There was another awkward pause, but then Voldemort turned to Harry. "Hey, wanna go egg Snape's house?"

"Hells yeah," Harry said, and Voldemort put up his hand in a high five. Harry just stared at him dully.

"Too early for that? Right..," Volemort shrugged it off without a second thought as the new buddies ran to the store to buy some eggs.


	2. Party At The Club

**Party At The Club**

***Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. This is made merely for entertainment and humor.***

Summary: The new buddies try to figure out how to gain entrance into a popular club without violence.

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Voldemort and Harry Potter stood in front of the club, staring at the muggles who were trying to enter it. There was a large line to the right, and it was barely moving. Harry leaned against the wall behind him, seeing as they were across the street "building a plan". Voldemort continued staring at the bouncer, who wasn't allowing anyone in the club.

"I could always kill the bouncer," Voldemort suggested.

"Let's try to do this without violence, Voldemort," Harry responded.

"I told you, call me Mort," Voldemort insisted as the bouncer moved aside to allow very attractive females into the club. "I think I've figured it out. If you blink a lot, the bouncer allows you into the club." He seemed satisfied in his findings. Harry just stared at him, now no longer questioning why Voldemort had so much trouble killing him before.

"You're... right. Go on and use your discovery, Mort," Harry said sarcastically. Voldemort seemed impervious to such things as sarcastic voicings, and he crossed the road determinely. His robe swished about him powerfully, and he approached the bouncer. There was a pause in which the bouncer just stared at Voldemort.

"..Yes?" The bouncer questioned, waiting for some response. Voldemort stared into the bouncers eyes intensely, and then began to blink rapidly. This went on for a good five minutes. Then the bouncer finally blinked himself. "Move along before I make you."

Voldemort seemed to swell angrily. "You foul muggle! Do you not know who you speak to?! I am **Lord Voldemort**, the most powerful dark wizard of this world. You will _bow_ before such royalty!"

The bouncer didn't cower what-so-ever. "Yeeeah... back of the line, Micheal Jackson."

Voldemort approached Harry in disappointment. "It seems my findings have failed me, Potter." They continued to stare at the club, analyzing another way in which to enter. They watched as a man handed the bouncer a large wad of money, and he was allowed entrance into the club. "AHA!"

"Yeah, that might work," Harry decided, and he pulled out a few coins from his pocket. "But... I'm a bit broke."

"No worries," Voldemort said easily, "Wanna go rob Snape's house? I think he has a safe with a bunch of muggle money in it."

"Hells yeah," Harry responded and Voldemort raised his hand for a high five. Harry shook his head. Not too long later, Voldemort and Harry were back in front of the club with their own mass amount of muggle money and sniggering at the image of Snape tied up in his closet with the words 'I'm Gay' written in marker on his forehead. "Let's do this."

They approached the bouncer with pride. Harry presented only a third of the money to the bouncer. "We wish to enter this club," he said shortly. The bouncer stared at him boredly before taking his money and putting it in his pocket. He didn't move, though. Harry stared at him for a moment, then present another third of the money. The bouncer pocketed it, and stared at Harry. So Harry gave him the rest of his money. The bouncer pocketed this money, and still didn't budge.

"That's.. all I've got," Harry stated hesitantly.

"Thanks," the bouncer responded, but didn't move.

"No, but we want to go in the club..."

"Back of the line," the bouncer ordered apathetically. So Harry and Voldemort went back to their spot across the street. They continued to analyze the club determinely. This went on for a while before Harry decided what the problem was.

"Maybe it's the way we are dressed and talk. I mean, this is a favorite _American_ spot, so maybe robes and proper speaking isn't a plus," Harry suggested carefully. Voldemort looked down at his robe. Then he looked at all the men dressed in baggy or stylish jeans and shirts. Backward hats were also a favorite. "But how are we going to get clothing without money?"

"No problem," Voldemort said, "I happen to know Snape has a muggle bank as well. Wanna go rob him again?"

"Hells yeah," Harry responded, and Voldemort didn't even try to high five him before they went off. When they came back, they were brandished in baggy jeans with chains on them, long, loose shirts, and backward gangsta hats. "We got this." They staggered towards the bouncer in a pitiful attempt at a swagger.

"Yo, we is here for party," Voldemort said in his high pitched voice before clearing his voice. "Na mean?"

The bouncer looked at Voldemort in utter offense. "What.. is that suppose to be, huh? You suppose to be acting black? Think we all gansta and can't speak normally, huh? Punk, get out of here before I call the cops," he yelled angrily. Voldemort widened his eyes.

"That's my friend you're talking to, jerk," Harry yelled, and swung a punch at the bouncer. Suddenly, Harry was being wrestled to the ground, and Voldemort jumped on top of the battle. After the hassle, Voldemort jumped up and pointed his wand at the bouncer.

"GET OFF HARRY," He yelled, "_Avada Kedavra_!!" There was a burst of green light, and the bouncer was no longer moving. Harry stood up. Voldemort looked around hesitatingly at the people staring at the scene. For a moment, nobody moved or said anything.

Then Harry kicked the dead bouncer and said, "Bitch," with his arms spread apart. Voldemort and Harry then made a break for it and ran. Never did get in that club... oh well.

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_Yeah, I know these whole stories may seem stupid and all, but they entertain me. I got a couple of adventures in mind, but if you have some sort of idea for an adventure for the buddies, go ahead and message me and I'll see if I'll add it in. Hehe._


	3. Drunken Calls

**Drunken Calls**

***Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. This is made merely for entertainment and humor.***

Summary: Voldemort and Harry discover the mixing of alcohol and phones.

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A continuous burst of giggling could be heard in the living room of Number 4, Private Drive, around 3 in the morning. A small light was illuminating the sight of Jack Daniels, Royal Crown, whiskey, vodka, and other poisonous alcoholic beverages surrounding two wizards on the floor. It was from Voldemort and Harry Potter than the giggling was sourced. Between the two was a telephone, along with a paper that Harry had found in his room.

"Okay.." Harry giggled, "It's ringing... shhhhzzz.." There was another burst of giggle, but Voldemort quieted himself quickly. On the phone against Harry's ear, a ringing could be heard.

"Hello," a man's voice questioned groggily.

"Can we.. I speak to Hermione, please," Harry said deeply into the phone with a bit of a slur.

"Do you know what time it is," the man asked in irritation.

"Do _you_," Harry asked mockingly.

"What?"

"What?"

"Who is this?"

"Are you Hermione?"

"No."

"Can I speak to Hermione, Hermione?"

"I said, do you know what time it is?"

"Do you?"

"What does that _mean_?"

Voldemort suddenly snatched the phone from Harry. "Put Hermione on the bloody phone, foul beast!" There was a silence, followed by a click and a dial tone. Voldemort stared at the phone. "It died. We should throw a funeral..." Harry bursted into giggling before snatching the phone back from Voldemort. He redialed Hermione's number, let it ring and ring, then dialed again to let it ring and ring.

After the seventh time, the phone was answered. "Hello?" This time it was Hermione. Harry breathed into the phone deeply, cracking into a giggle, but returning to breathing deeply. "Who is this?"

"Who is you," Harry asked with a slurred voice.

"Harry?"

"Hello, Harry, wanna give me a lap dance," Harry asked, and Voldemort bursted into a laugh before grabbing the phone and saying, "Ha ha.. yeah.." Harry took the phone back.

"Harry, do you know what time it is," Hermione asked with annoyance.

"Do you?"

"I do."

"I do.. HAHA, we're married!" Voldemort cackled loudly.

"Harry, I've been hearing that Voldemort and you have been hanging out...," Hermione said slowly.

"_I'm _Voldemort," Harry responded, "And now you're Mrs. Voldemort..." He continued to make kissing noises into the phone drunkingly. Hermione didn't respond, but instead hung up on him. Harry and Voldemort persisted to laugh loudly. At some point during this giggling, Dudley stalked into the room sleepily.

"Harry, you git, Mum and Dad'll kill you once I tell them what you're doing," Dudley said stupidly.

Voldemort suddenly stood up rapidly, raising his hands into claws, and roared. He added growling, slobbering, and snorting into this display as well. Dudley widened his eyes in fear, yelled in terror, and ran. Voldemort began to follow him, tripped, and flipped over the nice coffee table before disappearing from view. Harry commensed to laughing at his misfortune. Voldemort stood up, holding up a wand which was snapped in half.

"I think I broke Snape's wand," Voldemort stated seriously. There was a pause. Then Harry and Voldemort bursted into giggling fits of laughter. Voldemort joined Harry by the phone again, and they continued laughing about nothing. Suddenly, Voldemort stopped laughing. "Wanna prank call Snape?"

"Hells yeah," Harry responded, and Voldemort put up his hand in a high five. Harry compromised and poked Voldemort's palm. Voldemort accepted it, and dialed Snape's number. It rang with a slight morbid sound, and Voldemort and Harry found it hard to contain their laughter.

"What," Snape snapped into the phone.

"Snape is slobbery. Snape is stupid. Snape is so gay, he'd sleep with Cupid," Voldemort snorted into the phone, and Harry joined his laughter with glee. This went on for a good two minutes before they could contain theirselves.

"Who is this," Snape asked darkly.

"I'm Weezzzleebobblebuh bumbumbumdedumdoooo," Voldemort found himself distracted into a song.

"Once I find out who this is, I will personally rip your limbs from your body," Snape growled into the phone.

"TOO LATE," Voldemort yelled into the phone, and another two minutes of laughter followed. Then Harry began to screech into the phone in the most irritating noise he could present until Snape hung up. Even then, Harry continued, forgetting what exactly he was doing.

"Let's call Dumb... Dumb... uh... what's that guy's name again," Harry began dialing numbers in belief that his magic ability would allow a connection to him and the Headmaster. Voldemort grabbed the phone and threw it against the wall desperately.

"NOO, not him," Voldemort screamed, looking back and forth in fear.

"What the Hell, Mort," Harry yelled, "Quit being such a chicken. He's like.. 182 years old." Voldemort continued to curl into a ball and rock back and forth. It's true, alcohol does bring out the true feelings of yourself. Harry stared at him with his mouth slackened open until drool began dripping from his mouth.

"Okay... let's send owls instead," Harry suggested.

"Woot," Voldemort responded, recovering from his situation quickly as they both ran up to Harry's room in order to get Hedwig, paper, and pens.

"Wait.. we only have one owl...," Harry stated in realization, looking at the lone owl.

Voldemort stared at Hedwig. "No problem," He suddenly said, "Wanna go steal Snape's owl?"

"Hells yeah!"


	4. Boogeyman Game

**Boogeyman Game**

***Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. This is made merely for entertainment and humor.***

Summary: After a string of breaking and entering crimes, the buddies are arrested.

"No way, if I were any type of monster, it would be Sully from Monster's Inc.," Harry stated as he and Voldemort stalked down the sidewalk with no purpose. Voldemort stopped walking to stare at him.

"Seriously," he asked.

"Yes."

"Seriously?"

"_Yes_."

Voldemort continued to stare at him with a bit of disbelief. Then he shrugged before continuing to walk. "Well, if I was a monster, I'd be Tinkerbell." Harry started laughing, but when Voldemort didn't join, he realized that he wasn't joking.

"Tinkerbell isn't... a monster, Mort," Harry stated. "Besides, you wouldn't be a monster. You couldn't even pull off being the boogeyman much less anything else." Voldemort sulked in offense.

"What's the boogeyman?"

Harry laughed again, but stopped when Voldemort once again didn't laugh with him. "You know? The guy who hides in the closet... gets ya when you're up too late." Voldemort merely stared at Harry.

"That doesn't sound hard," he barely said before he squealed with happiness. This feminine squeal was metaphor for the light bulb that goes off over Voldemort's head every once in a while. "I.. have.. an.. idea!" They stopped walking, and Harry looked apon the smiling face of Voldemort with eagarness as well because no matter how stupid his ideas were, they always turned out to be interesting.

Five minutes later, the two stood in front of a window in all black burgular outfits. Harry lifted his wand, but Voldemort stopped him. "Please, allow me," he said, and he lifted a wand. After a flick, the window turned into a solid wall of cotton candy.

"Mort, why didn't you just _alohamora_ it," Harry asked in disbelief.

"It's _alohomora_, first of all. Second, I'm getting a bit hungry," Voldemort responded with a snicker.

"True," Harry agreed, and they proceeded to eat the cotton candy window until they could climb into the house. Harry proceeded to crawl under the empty bed while Voldemort went into the closet. There they stayed. It wasn't too long before Neville Longbottom walked sleepily into the room. He moved towards the bed, and took off his shoes. Harry eagarly reached out and gripped Neville's ankle, causing him to scream in a painfully shrill way.

Neville ran towards his door, but just as he reached the closet, it opened and Voldemort roared, "Boogey Boogey BOO!" Neville was suddenly void of air as he looked at Voldemort and dropped to the ground unconscious. Harry got out from under the bed and laughed at the body on the ground. Voldemort joined him. Then Harry tapped Neville with his foot. Neville didn't move.

"Shit," Harry said, and they made a break for it.

They continued this process. Along the way, they found a Halloween outfit store, and stole some werewolf and Bill Clinton masks. "Wanna go scare Snape," Voldemort finally asked.

"Hells yeah," Harry responded, and they made towards Snape's morbid house. They stepped to Snape's window, and without regard for his feelings, they decided to throw a rock through it instead of opening it with magic. They quickly snuck into the house and hid from sight as Snape came skulking along to see what happened to his window.

"Eh," Snape said distastefully, and Harry jumped out to roar at him. "What the hell?!" Snape started to run, but Voldemort jumped in front of him to screech as well. They continued to bounce against Snape like the Partyboy dance until they found it boring that Snape wasn't passing out.

Voldemort finally yelled, "Render yourself unconcious, you foul pestilence!" There was a full five minutes where nothing happened but three wizards standing in a room with a busted window, two of which had masks on, staring at each other.

"Bugger," Harry said, and Voldemort started out the window. Harry followed him, but then turned around to kick Snape in the knee before continuing out the window.

"FREEZE!" Harry and Voldemort were greeted by two squad cars. They looked at each other.

"Let's get arrested," Harry suggested. So for humor, they went along with the police. They found themselves in a jail cell with a couple of delinquent muggles. It was amusing, and they soon found themselves laughing at the predictament. "Man, I remember that one time I sicked a snake on Dudley.." Harry laughed.

"You did," Voldemort asked.

Harry hesitated, "Well, sort of.. shut up, Mort." There was a silence, and then they started laughing again.

"No, no, no. This one time, I was too drunk to know the _avada kedavra_ spell, and ended up turning the guy into a girl," Voldemort said, and Harry laughed harder. The hooting continued until the muggles were throwing them offended looks. "But it wasn't as funny as this one time, when I was all on a killing mission, and this woman was like in front of her son going 'nooo, not him, take me'.. AHAHA.. it was so halari... oh, wait..." Harry was no longer laughing but staring at Voldemort with a horrified expression.

"You thought my mother protecting me was _funny_," He asked.

"Oh, c'mon, Harry, it was what? Thirteen, fourteen years ago? Can't you let things go?"

Harry looked apon Voldemort with the most offended look possible. "They were my parents, you bitch!"

"Yeah, well, I killed my father and his death didn't bother me that much," Voldemort said, offended, "AND my grandparents, too."

"You're an idiot, Morty," Harry responded.

"Don't call me Morty."

"What, do you prefer Wort? Whaddup Worty?"

"Yeah, well, at least my name isn't Fairy... Lot..ter... SHUT UP!"

"WORT WORT WORT WORT WORT VOLDEWORT!"

Voldemort poked Harry in the face, and his scar suddenly bursted with seering pain for a second. "Take that, Fairy," Voldemort yelled. He continued to poke Harry until Harry finally lunged at him with rage. Eventually, Harry had ahold of Voldemort's head, and was slamming it against the ground whilst roaring in pain himself.

"Truce! TRUCE," Voldemort finally yelled, and Harry relunctantly let go and sulked in the cell. "Geez, I was just kidding." There was a silence, and it was pret-ty awkward. Then Voldemort said, "Wanna go play boogeyman some more?"

Harry hesitated, but then responded, "Fine. But it'll take awhile for me to trust you again."

Voldemort pulled out a chocolate frog. "Candy?"

Harry snatched it from his hand. "Okay, I trust you. Let's go."


	5. Robert? Edward? Or CEDRIC!

**Robert? Edward? Or CEDRIC?!**

***Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. This is made merely for entertainment and humor.***

Summary: Voldemort and Harry recognize Cedric, who uses his vampirism to play as Edward in a movie premiere of 'Twilight'.

_Authors Note: I know Twilight didn't come out til 2008, but just role with it._

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"Stop your insolence this instant," Snape yelled from out his window into the night.

"I don't know what no insilence means," Voldemort responded, and Harry laughed before throwing an empty beer bottle against Snape's driveway. It was another idea Voldemort came up with, and it was very entertaining. He turned away from Snape's house before shaking his butt. This was followed by Voldemort throwing his empty beer bottle against the driveway as well. All this was done in hopes of popping Snape's muggle car... if he ever used it... or had one...

Now that the beer bottles did all the damage they could do, Voldemort and Harry paused.

"We should go watch a movie," Harry suggested.

"Sure," Voldemort agreed.

Not long later, they stood outside the movie theater, looking at what movies were playing. Among the list was one that listed 'Twilight' starring Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart. They continued to stare at the list, not sure what any of the movies were.

"We could watch Twilight," Voldemort said slowly.

Just as he said the name of the movie, a girl already in line for tickets screamed, "TWILIGHT!! OH MY GOD TWILIGHT!!" And this followed by her passing out on the ground.

Harry stared at her unconcious body for a full minute. "Huh, that worked better than pretending to be the boogeyman." They proceeded to get 'Twilight' tickets, and crowded into the theater where excited fans were hopping up and down in anticipation within their seats.

The atmosphere was of such intensity that Harry and Voldemort were devouring the popcorn during the previews in expectation of an explosion of awesomeness. This continued as the movie started. At some point, they stopped feeling so eager, and soon were bored. It was at this point that _Edward Cullen_ stepped into view of the camera, walking into the cafeteria. Voldemort and Harry froze.

Voldemort spilled his coke and Harry dropped the popcorn in shock. "HOLY SHIT," Harry yelled, "It's Cedric! It's... he became an actor?"

"I killed that mothafucka," Voldemort bragged to the woman beside him with pride.

"I thought Peter killed him," Harry said in confusion.

"I... well, I told him to... SHUT UP FAIRY," Voldemort yelled. This was followed by a roar of 'shhh' in the theater.

Once they realized Cedric was the main vampire character in the movie, they proceeded to insult him. Mostly out of jealously, but still. Harry was soon telling stories of Cedric when he was a wizard. True, he did make up a lot of them, such as the time Cedric though Harry was God and began to worship him, but what was the Chosen One to do to gain some respect around here? Voldemort, not specifically aquainted with Cedric, decided to just repeat that he was the _cause_ of his death.

Eventually, they were kicked out of the theater.

"We should go hunt down _Robert_ and reveal who he really is to the world," Harry said bitterly.

"Yeah, nobody should be famous if they died from the _avada kedavra_ curse... I mean, only losers don't live after that curse," Voldemort snorted. Harry stared at him openly.

"Are you saying you survived that curse once," Harry asked suspiciously.

Voldemort hesitated, "Well... I would..." Harry stared at him in disbelief. "I would survive anything." Harry continued to stare at him. "I RIPPED MY SOUL INTO A BILLION PEICES!!!"

"Right," Harry said, "So you're saying my parents were losers? Sirius was a loser? Huh? Is that what you're saying?"

"No, I...," Voldemort hesitated again, then got offensive, "So you're saying Cedric wasn't a loser, then?"

There was a pause, and then Harry and Voldemort snorted with laughter. "Cedric not being a loser, yeah, right," Harry laughed completely amused. Then he stopped laughing. "No, but seriously."

"Okay, okay," Voldemort said in defeat, "Wanna go beat up Cedric's vampire ass?"

"Hells yeah," Harry agreed.

They teleported.. well, Voldemort teleported them both, to Hollywood. After questioning as many Twilight obsessed fangirls they could, they found out that Edward and Bella would be going to an awards premiere. They made their way to the building, which was extremely crowded, but being wizards paid off. Soon, they were next to the walk, waiting for Cedric to show his face.

When the limo of the Twilight stars showed up, there was a massive amount of hysteria, so that Harry and Voldemort felt like they were going to be plummeled to death. But they were determined. Cedric stepped out of the car with Kristen Stewart, and they started walking down the carpeted path.

"Cedric," Harry screamed as other fans screamed 'Edward' or 'Robert'.. some even 'R-Patz' or 'Spunk Ransom' for some reason. "CEDRIC! It's me, Harry!!"

Voldemort added, "Cedric, respond to our requests of confrontation, you foul vampire!"

Cedric suddenly glanced at Harry and Voldemort, and shyed his way down the path, blocking his facial view with his hand with a small, "Oh, God," under his voice. Harry, spotting this moved, was so angered that he jumped over the rope and straight into security. Voldemort, being his friend, tackled into the small fight as well.

Later that night, Harry nursed his bruised cheek, which he actually obtained from Edward fans who believed he meant to hurt Cedric. "He completely avoided us," Harry said bitterly.

Voldemort rubbed his knot on his forehead. "Yeah, well, you reach the top and forget the little people," he stated just as bitterly. "I mean, you kill a guy, and he just completely disregards you. You'd figure you'd be an important person in their life."

"Well, maybe it's because _you_ didn't technically kill him," Harry snapped.

"Basically," Voldemort said defensively. There was a pause. "Wanna go steal all of Snape's clothes and burn em?"

"Hells yeah," Harry agreed, feeling much better with the thought of Snape's suffering. And they ditched Hollywood. Cedric may pretend he'd forgotten about his Hogwarts life, but he _knew_. He'd always _know._

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_This was for the Twilight fans, btw. I thought it was funny. O.o Thanks for the reviews!_


	6. Girls

**Girls**

***Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. This is made merely for entertainment and humor.***

Summary: Harry and Voldemort decide to add Ron to their group and are faced with confusion concerning girls.

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"I'm sooooo bored," Harry said dully. Voldemort stared off into the dark distance gloomily. "I'm... so... boooorrreeeduh." Voldemort continued staring in the distance. "Mortuh, I'm soooo boreduh."

"Silence, fool, I am planning a way to kill Dumbledore and catch Potter on his own so that I can finally finish off all this foolishness about him being more powerful than the great _Lord Voldemort_," Voldemort bursted, raising to his feet in imagination of the terror-filled screaming of applause to his name. Harry stared at him openly. There was a great silence.

"Well, you could always get Snape to kill him," Harry finally suggested.

"Puh-lease, Snape? Seriously?" There was a pause. And they both snorted into laughter.

"You're right, but as for getting me alone, you could try that whole portkey thing again. It was actually very clever," Harry stated.

"True, thank you... though that Crouch kid actually came up with that," Voldemort admitted.

"Though, I'm not sure why you didn't... like... make one of my shoes a portkey over the night or something... my blanket? Anything, really... I mean, why the whole Triwizard Tournement? You could've made things a lot easier and quicker," Harry questioned, frowning in confusion.

"Well, if that had happened, the whole fourth book would've been waaaay shorter. I mean, the key points in the story would've been missed, and the whole plot would've been way off. For example, how else would the Yule Ball had been presented in order to further show Ron Weasley's growing jealously towards Hermione Granger's affections," Voldemort explained absently.

There was another pause. "But what if I had actually been killed during one of the challenges? What would have been the whole point," Harry asked, "Wait... what book?"

"I..," Voldemort hesitated, "I really don't know... huh..."

Voldemort continued to stare out into the distance. "I'm boooorrreeedd," Harry said. He suddenly jumped up. "We should go get Ron. He's so stupid that he'd definitely be able to figure out something for us to do!"

"You're right. It must be the red hair. Like his sister, Ginny. I mean, what an idiot," Voldemort stated, and Harry looked offended.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with Ginny!"

"Yes, well, you didn't think there was anything wrong with Cho either."

"Nothing's wrong with Cho either!"

"Exactly," Voldemort said, and Harry glared at him. "C'mon, Harry, girls are stupid anyway. Dumbledore actually got something right."

Harry was suddenly uncomfortable. "Er.. you're not saying you're..."

"What," Voldemort asked, suddenly defensive, "What? No! No, I'm not... you know... gay or anything... I.. uh...." There was an uncomfortable pause. "Yeah, let's go get Ron."

"But.. how," Harry asked knowingly.

Not too long later, they showed up at Burrow dressed in their boogeyman burgular outfits. They climbed through Ron's window, and crept to Ron's sleeping body. Suddenly, Voldemort snatched Ron's upper torso while Harry took ahold of his legs.

"We're taking you away to Fairy land, boy," Voldemort cackled evilly into Ron's ear. Harry looked at Voldemort with an odd look, and Voldemort was suddenly defensive again. "I'm not gay!" They threw Ron out the window, where they had the grass magically softened so he wouldn't die... or at least they hoped, and they climbed out after him.

Ron stood up, and raised his wand.. which was now snapped in two. "Bloody hell," Ron squeaked at the sight. Voldemort didn't wait before he teleported both Harry, Ron, and himself to a street somewhere in London.

Ron went into a small squeal of fear. Harry took off his mask. "Dude, it's all right, man," Harry said, "Geez... what a girl." Voldemort snorted, caught his laugh before it could come out, and this caused Harry to start laughing before Voldemort was laughing as well.

"Are you two high," Ron asked in astonishment.

"Why, you got weed," Voldemort suddenly asked in return.

Ron hesitated, "Are you... Vo.. Vol..."

"Call me Mort," Voldemort said, and he quickly thrusted his hand out, which caused Ron to flinch. Voldemort was now confused as to why it was so hard to kill a boy who was best friends with this wuss. "We've decided to recruit you into our duet."

Ron looked at Harry. "I thought we already had a trio."

"Pff," Harry scoffed, "Ron, I've moved on to higher things. And rather than leave your innocent soul to a path of righteousness, I've decided to take you along with us."

Ron looked at Voldemort with wide eyes. Voldemort suddenly thrusted out a chocolate frog. "Candy?"

"I.. don't know..," Ron hesitated. Harry suddenly lunged at the chocolate frog and thrusted it into his mouth greedily.

"Mine.. my candy... not Ron's," Harry snarled before trying to lunge at Voldemort under suspicion that there was more candy being hidden from him. Voldemort dug out another frog in fear and threw it across the yard. Luckily, it worked, and Harry chased after it.

"Maybe we should get Hermione to..," Ron started to suggest when Harry came back.

"No," Voldemort interrupted.

"But Hermione.."

"No girls," Harry said shortly.

"Hermione could..."

"Booo, girls," Voldemort stated.

"Nooo girls," Harry agreed.

"Girls are icky," Voldemort added.

"Ew, girls," Harry agreed.

"Blech, girls," Voldemort.. you know...

Suddenly, a group of girls walked by the three wizards, smiling, giggling, and winking. "Oh, girls," Harry said happily, and stalked after them.

"NOOO, Harry, fight against them!!! Nooooo," Voldemort yelled in dispair. There was a pause, Harry now gone from the future trio. Voldemort looked at Ron, who was now understanding that he was alone with the Dark Lord.

"Um..," Ron started thinking of an excuse to get away.

"Wanna.. go... howl outside Snape's house to scare him," Voldemort asked hopefully.

"Well, I would, but... I think Hermione just called my name," Ron responded hesitatingly, and ran away.

Voldemort looked around by his lonesome. Then he fell to his knees in agony. "Curse girls," He roared into the sky with rage.


	7. Initiation Rites

**Initiation Rites**

***Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. This is made merely for entertainment and humor.***

Summary: Ron isn't a part of the group yet, but if he proves himself, he will be. Can he do it, though?

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Voldemort stared at Harry. Harry stared back at Voldemort.

"No, put it back," Voldemort ordered. Harry's face screwed up in rage and disappointment.

"But I want it," Harry whined.

"It's useless and a waste of money," Voldemort said, "Put it back."

"I want it! I want it! Give it to me! I want it! I want it," Harry screamed, stomping up and down in the aisle of Sainsbury. Voldemort looked around embarrassingly, and Ron looked down at the ground before starting to cry himself in a high whine.

"Stop that right now," Voldemort snapped, "Both of you are being ridiculous."

"I WANT IT," Harry screeched, and Ron continued crying for no reason at all.

"FINE," Voldemort yelled back, and put the box of cereal back in the cart. "Happy?" Harry automatically stopped throwing a fit, and Ron began skipping down the aisle happily. Voldemort sighed in exhaustion.

Voldemort continued down the aisles, putting foods into the cart decisively.

"We have a small problem," Harry said maturely. He was looking at Ron, who was staring up at the ceiling as though confused as to why he was suddenly in a Sainsbury in London with Voldemort and Harry Potter. Voldemort looked over, and leaned against the cart.

"What," Voldemort asked.

"Ron's a bit too different to be in the group," Harry responded slowly, "It's like he doesn't understand the purpose of this trio. We need to get him to understand in order for him to fit in."

Voldemort thought for a moment. "You mean, like get him laid or something?"

Harry looked at Voldemort. "Mort... seriously. We need some sort of event to occur... like he's a pledge, and he needs to somehow prove he's really a... OH MY GOD, we should name our group," Harry suddenly hopped up and down in excitement.

"Death Eaters," Voldemort suggested.

"Oh.. I was thinking more Dumbledore's Army," Harry said slowly.

"DON'T MENTION THAT NAME EVER AGAIN," Voldemort screamed, looking around with his wand raised as though Dumble *gasp* (can't say his name) was hiding around the corner.

"Then what am I suppose to call him," Harry asked, irritated.

"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named," Voldemort insisted.

"Gah, but that's too long. It was too long for you. Why do you think I just stuck with Voldemort or... Tom or something," Harry said relunctantly.

Voldemort suddenly pointed his wand at Harry. "Do _not_ call me Tom. Mort, Harry, Mort. And just call He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named... Dumbo. Yes, Dumbo. It's a keeper."

"Well, whatever, I don't want us to be called Death Eaters.. it's already taken," Harry stated, "And anyway, we still need to recruit Ron properly."

"Were we recruited properly," Voldemort asked. There was a sudden squeaking noise in the store. It was a rhythm of squeaking of a child squeezing a squeaker toy.

"It doesn't matter," Harry said, like that was the stupidest question ever, "We _made_ this group. We're God here. We.. We..." Harry's ear twitched at the continuous sound of squeaking. "We... we are... group... no, we're... who.. _what is that?!_" Voldemort was slowly stiffening in growing irritation. He raised his hands to his ears before screaming in pain and rage.

Suddenly, he ran around the aisle, tackled the kid with the toy, ripped the toy into peices, and screamed, "NOW MAKE IT SQUEAK, BITCH!!!" He gasped for air, looking around at all the people who were watching him with wide eyes. Then he looked at Ron. "You! Do something stupid or you die!" Ron suddenly went extremely pale. He looked around, grabbed the cart, swiped all the things he could in one swipe into the cart, and ran full speed to the door of the store.

Harry walked next to Voldemort, watching Ron's red hair streek through the air as he flew through the door with the unpaid cart. He got about to the parking lot before he was tackled by the police. Harry looked at Voldemort and smile, putting up a fist. Voldemort knuckled Harry's fist.

"All right, he's in," Harry said as Ron was arrested and taken away in a police car. "Should be bust him out of jail?"

"Eh, it'll teach him the facts of life," Voldemort responded without much concern, "Wanna go freak Snape out by scratching our fingernails against his windows?"

"Hells yeah," Harry said.

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_I couldn't help but put Snape in here. :P Sorry bout taking so long to post this up. I have to be in a humorous mood to write these. But if you have any ideas for what to name their group, do tell, cuz I'm drawing a blank. I'll think of one eventually if no one has a really good one. Or if no one suggests any. O.o_


	8. Who's Better?

**Who's Better?**

***Disclaimer: I do not own any Harry Potter characters. This is made merely for entertainment and humor.***

Summary: Voldemort, Harry, and Ron make it into the club, expecting to party, but find themselves fighting over who is the better wizard. (I got this idea based on a request by butwhyisdrumgone.)

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Harry stepped into the club, followed by a proud Voldemort and a rather scared Ron. He breathed in as though it were a fresh breath of air to step into a crowded room full of loud music. They all three stood there for a moment, looking around, unsure of what to do next.

"We should have thought about magically putting on our name on the VIP list a long time ago," Harry told Voldemort before heading towards the bar. Voldemort followed him, and they sat down to order drinks. Harry looked around. "This... is sweet."

"So I've been thinking about our group name," Voldemort said.

"Yes," Harry asked.

"And I think we should be called the Great Association of Young Sorcerers," Voldemort responded, rising with the power of the name as though it would be a great and powerful name. Harry, meanwhile, just looked at him.

"Er.. so in short... we'd be called...," Harry started.

"G.A.Y.S.," Voldemort said happily. When Harry just stared at him, Voldemort continued, "Okay, so I see you don't like that one. It's okay! I've got others. How about the Fantastic Association of Great Sorcerers?"

"Or F.A.G.S.," Harry added darkly, "How about not."

Voldemort sulked. "Where's Ronald?" They both looked around in confusion, and spotted Ron. Apparently, he had stepped wrong when following them to the bar, and had been sucked into the whirl of the dance floor. At the moment, he had his hands clamped over his head in utter terror of the people rubbing their bodies against his, and was crying continously... a sound unheard in the loud club.

"Maybe we should help him," Harry suggested slowly. Both he and Voldemort looked at each other before bursting out into laughter at the thought. "Nah, we'll let him live in the moment." The night went on....

"Well... this... was less fun than I thought it would be," Voldemort said boredly. Then he squealed. "OMG, is that Snape?!" Sure enough, Snape was in the dance floor doing what looked to be the robot.

"Holy Cow," Harry laughed.

"Wanna go jump on his back and make him give us a piggy back ride," Voldemort asked.

"Hells yeah!" They started to jump towards him, but suddenly a girl was in front of them.

"Well, hello," she said. She was absolutely gorgeous... sort of... okay, she looked more like a breeding area for A.I.D.S., but what's the difference really? She smiled. "I'm Cassy."

"Hello," Both Harry and Voldemort said in unison. They glared at each other.

"She's talking to _me_, Mort," Harry snapped.

"Yeah, right, you're what? Five years old," Voldemort growled defensively.

"Oh, five? What are you? A hundred," Harry snapped back.

"Don't listen to him," Voldemort turned to Cassy, "His parents died like.. fifty years ago and he still cries about it."

Harry gasped. "Yes, well, you wouldn't want to hang around _him_. He's so psychotic, he killed his own parents."

Voldemort scoffed, "I only killed my father. My mother died giving birth to me. There's a difference. If you'd pay attention to me when I talked to you."

"Yeah, whatever. I'm the Chosen One," Harry told Cassy.

"Well, I'm the Dark Lord Voldemort," Voldemort told Cassy.

"I survived the killing curse."

"I ripped my soul into seven peices."

"I can talk to snakes."

"I can, too!"

"I.. uh... I killed a gigantic snake."

"I _controlled_ a giant snake."

"I defeated 100 dementors."

"I've killed a billion people."

"I own a hippogriff named Buckbeak."

"I own.. an army of Death Eaters."

"I won a Triwizard Tournement."

"... I died and came back to life.."

"I'm a Quiddich Champion."

"I'm old enough to buy liquor."

"Fuck you, Wort!"

"Bite me, Fairy!"

Suddenly, Harry and Voldemort started a slap fight between each other. Cassy just stared at them with an odd look on her face, unsure of what exactly they were going on about. But it pleased her that they were fighting over her. It wasn't long before another muggle man came forth.

"Hey," He said, and Voldemort and Harry stopped to glare at him. "I have a condo. And a mansion. And I own an island of to the east. I also have a piano, six horsed, three cows, two dogs, fish, and a chicken. Oh, did I mention my family invented a computer program, and I'm a billionaire? My name's Bob." Cassy smiled brightly before walking off with Bob. Voldemort and Harry stared at their dissapearing bodies with shock.

"But... I'm the Dark Lord Voldemort," Voldemort said sadly.

"And I'm the Chosen One," Harry added.

"I think you're cool," Voldemort consoled Harry.

"I think you're cool, too, Mort," Harry responded. Ron suddenly bursted next to them.

"You guys have no idea what I just went through," He gasped, as though he'd barely survived the dance floor.

They all three sat there for a moment.

"How about the Hogwarts Obstructive Members of Outstanding Sorcery," Voldemort suggested.

"Or H.O.M.O.S.," Harry said darkly.

"Haha, that spells out homos," Ron added, and Voldemort sulked.

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_Still have yet to come up with a group name suitable, lol. Thanks for the reviews._


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